Pickup basketball is one of the best instances in this world of guys being dudes. Just show up to the gym at any given time and team up with guys you’ve never met before and play a team sport where you have to be very involved with one another. No plans, typically there’s no groupchat, just show up and play. However, pickup basketball is not a lawless land, there are a couple of unspoken rules one must follow.
- In a competitive game, get back on defense
- There is nothing worse than a cherry picker. Both playing against one and having one on your team. Giving up easy baskets because someone is too out of shape to run back on defense is not fun. The arguments of “if you don’t like it stay back with them” and “why don’t you do it” are horseshit. This is supposed to be fun and there is nothing fun about wide-open layups. If it’s the last game or two of a run and everyone is tired, this rule is of course different, but if you sense a game is competitive, just get back on defense.
- It’s almost never that serious
- Part of the fun of pickup basketball is beating the dudes who take it too seriously and try to talk actual shit. Just don’t be the guy that other people go home saying “fuck that guy, what was his issue?” If you’ve never had that conversation with people on your team, I hate to break it to you but you might be the one taking it too seriously.
- No undercutting, pushing people from behind
- Turning an ankle and catching accidental elbows should be the only injuries that take place in a pickup run. It has never once been a good idea to go underneath someone when they’re going up for a dunk/layup. It has genuinely never been the right play to push someone square in the back after they get by you. If you get beat just be a man and don’t do something that might injure someone. I was playing outdoors once and blew past an old head and went up for a layup and he pushed me into the metal pole underneath the hoop. Got up to confront him and he threatened to pull a gun on me. Once again, it’s never that serious.
- Win by two
- My biggest pet peeve is people playing 1s and 2s, since anyone who knows fractions understands that 1s and 2s is a completely different game than the regulation 2s and 3s. That has been accepted as a norm and I live with it, but one thing that I cannot live with is people who play straight up, especially in 1s and 2s. It makes games more competitive at the end and should just be a rule of thumb.
- Shooting around while waiting your turn
- Getting warmed up while a game is going on is totally fine and normal, but there is nothing worse than oblivious pieces of shit who don’t notice when the active game is coming down on the hoop they are shooting on. Totally fucks up the pace of play and is an extremely easy problem to avoid. Just be aware and considerate and it should never be a problem.
- Dap up after a game or a run
- If you’re running multiple games with the same people, it is okay to wait until after everyone’s last game to exchange pleasantries. If it’s a winner-stay situation, it is common courtesy to say good game and high-five the other team, even if they sucked or kicked your ass. Don’t be the irrationally angry guy who storms off because he thinks his team “sold” on him. No dude you took 80% of the shots and went 4/25 from the field, you’re the one who sold on your team asshole.
- Don’t overly hog the ball
- Everyone has been a part of a game where off-ball movement isn’t a thing and it’s mostly iso ball. That’s totally fine and it’s fun to see what everyone has in their bag. But the only way that works is if everyone gets their turn. A good baseline is never having three straight possessions where you don’t pass the ball, unless you’re hot. Nothing at all is worse than the guy who thinks they’re good because they take every shot, not because they MAKE every shot.
- If you’re gonna wear accessories, make sure you’re good
- Another easy way to put a target on your back is by non-ironically wearing unnecessary accessories to a run where you don’t know the people. If you’re bad and have a shooting sleeve on, yes I am going to say “let him shoot” and most likely put my shoulder into you for an easy layup. I don’t make the rules (yes I do bozos).
- Keep the arguing to a minimum
- Another rule to try to keep the game going. This might be a little bit of the old guy yelling at clouds but I don’t care. I go to the gym to play basketball, not to yell at each other over what may or may not have been a shooting foul. Shoot for it if you can’t come to a decision. Nothing is worse than someone trying to recreate their move with the game stopped and explaining why it’s not a travel (if this ever happens it is 99% of the time a travel).
- Stopping an open layup by grabbing someone
- It’s not game seven of the finals. Hell, it’s not even intramurals. If someone has an open layup let them make it. It’s funnier if they miss it organically. And now take fouls are banned in the NBA, so don’t do it it pickup.
11am Sports 